CrossFit Open 25.3 Final Showdown
Sponsored by our own LaTricia Horstman, owner of My Little Needle Tattoo Shop in Plymouth!
The Convergence of Worlds: The Battle for 25.3
The skies crackled with energy as the three realms aligned. The Nexus that is The CrossFit Open, a mystical arena suspended in the void between dimensions, hummed with anticipation. This was no ordinary competition. This was the final battle of 25.3, a war waged not with swords, but with sweat, grit, and sheer willpower.
The Contenders
Melissa Baker – The Enchanted Strength of Huffle Buff
From the magical halls of Huffle Buff, a secret Hogwarts faction dedicated to both grit and gains, emerged Melissa Baker. Coach, healer, and wielder of the sacred Barbellus Maximus, she trained her warriors with a mix of wizardry and sheer tenacity. Clad in enchanted compression leggings infused with the spirit of Helga Hufflepuff herself, Melissa’s warm-ups were legendary, and her post-WOD massages were rumored to restore even the most shattered souls.
Armed with her wand—oakwood, 13 inches, core of phoenix sweat—she specialized in enchanted endurance. Wall walks? She levitated just enough to make it look effortless. Rowing? The erg rowed for her, responding to whispered incantations. But the barbell? The least of her test—magic would not be needed to move the weight.
Dan Forpahl – The Kettlebell Cowboy
From the dusty plains of the Western WODlands, Dan Fopahl rode into the arena atop his steel-framed rogue sled, a lasso of battle ropes slung over his shoulder. He was the sheriff of Kettlebell Cowboys, a rugged crew known for their wild west-style WODs—workouts done under the scorching sun, where grit was measured in calluses, not spells.
Dan’s six-shooter? A loaded barbell. His steed? A Concept2 rower. His spurs? Nano trainers caked in the dust of a thousand metcons. The man had no time for magic—just pure horsepower, grit, and a suspiciously high work capacity. Every rep was a showdown. Every lift, a last stand. He had one rule: move fast, move hard, and never surrender.
Jon Gray – The Champion of Team Open Era
If the CrossFit Games were a Taylor Swift concert, Jon Gray would be the headline act. The reigning champion of Team Open Era, Jon embodied grace, resilience, and an almost poetic sense of movement. He trained to the rhythm of Swift’s greatest hits, his pacing measured in beats per minute rather than RPMs.
Wearing a custom singlet embroidered with lyrics from “The Man,” he knew what it meant to be the favorite, the target. But pressure? That’s where he thrived. Every step of his journey, from rookie underdog to Open titan, had been met with adversity, yet overcome in poetic, dramatic fashion—just like a Taylor Swift album arc.
His deadlifts? Stronger than a 1989 comeback.
His snatches? As clean as Reputation’s production.
His stamina? Endless—like All Too Well (10-Minute Version).
And his game plan? Simple. Make his competitors go out too fast, let them burn out, then close strong, like a last-minute album drop that changes everything.
The Battle Begins
As the horn sounded, the three warriors launched into wall walks. Melissa moved like an apparition, her transitions smooth, her feet barely touching the ground. Dan bulldozed through, kicking up imaginary saloon dust with every step. Jon? Jon stayed just behind the lead, conserving energy like a final verse waiting to explode into a key change.
The rower portion was where Dan made his move. Years of hard labor in the Kettlebell Cowboy ranch had made him an engine of pure output. He churned out meters like a madman, while Melissa, though enchanted, found that even magic couldn’t keep her pace above 1,200 cals/hr for long.
Then came the barbell battlefield.
- Deadlifts: Dan Fopahl—powerful, relentless, unbroken.
- Cleans: Jon Gray—fast, smooth, unshaken.
- Snatches: Melissa Baker—elegant, never faltering under the sheer demand of technique over magic.
As the last round hit, all three warriors were neck and neck. Jon’s **tempo shifted—**the final chorus was coming. Dan refused to yield, fighting with raw cowboy grit. Melissa, sensing a spell of near-defeat, reached deep into her reserves, calling upon the spirit of Huffle Buff’s undying determination.
The Final Push – A Race to the Rower
As the battle raged on, the three warriors fought rep for rep, defying exhaustion. Wall walks had tested their agility, the barbell had tested their strength, but now, in the final moments of 25.3, it all came down to the rower—the last and ultimate test of endurance.
Melissa Baker, the enchanted warrior of Huffle Buff, whispered a spell of Aerobicus Maximus, hoping for an edge. Dan Fopahl, the Kettlebell Cowboy, tightened his grip, spitting into the chalked-up dust. And Jon Gray? He simply smiled. This was his moment—the big finish, the final chorus.
The rowers roared to life.
Dan started strong, each pull like a stallion galloping at full tilt, his raw horsepower undeniable. Melissa fought back, but even magic had its limits—rowing was pure muggle work, and no spell could outpace sheer will.
Jon, ever the master strategist, had timed his move perfectly. He settled into a smooth 1:35 split, breathing in rhythm like a well-orchestrated bridge before the final chorus drop.
Show up to Friday Night Lights to see how the saga ends!!!!
